When someone contacts me to enquire about anger management therapy, I wonder whether they mean that they have trouble managing their anger or whether they never get angry. The two can be equally problematic. The latter might sound strange but, in my experience, there are easily just as many people who find it impossible to get angry as there are who have problems controlling anger.
Always on our best behaviour – sound familiar?
From the earliest age we learn that showing anger is wrong. The concept of the ‘terrible twos‘ are all about children having tantrums, after all. But nobody educates us about how to deal with the completely natural emotion of anger and how, when we become congruent with it, it can helpfully inform our integrity and moral compass. All we tend to learn is that anger is bad, we shouldn’t show it and some go as far to teach us that it is wrong even to feel it.
Coping with anger, rage and suppression
As we go through life, the messages about anger being bad or wrong don’t exactly go away. In fact they are compounded by stories of phenomena such as road rage and angry mobs, of fights and uncontrollable urges to harm others and ourselves. So, with no one to really guide us as to when anger is appropriate and when it isn’t, when to act assertively and when to allow something to pass, we can find ourselves not really knowing how to be with our anger.
What is too much or too little? What do I do with my angry feelings?
This inevitably means that some people will suppress their anger and some will act out. When anger might be the perfectly valid response to have, it can come out as constant griping, sarcasm, bullying or explosive behaviour which can harm others and ourselves.
Or it can be suppressed, leading to the likelihood that no-one will understand your feelings. This can leave you feeling disregarded, isolated and even depressed as depression can stem from unexpressed anger.
Primary and secondary emotions
If you are concerned that your anger has become a problem, what else might be going on emotionally? I tend to think of anger as a primary emotion – the emotion that sits on the surface whilst other emotions, perhaps not as easy to access or too uncomfortable to acknowledge, might be swirling around underneath.
What might those secondary emotions be? Hurt, betrayal, shame or fear perhaps? Anger rarely exists on its own but is often the more easily accessed emotion. When get to grips with what lies beneath the anger and start to address that, the anger tends to subside as the other emotions reduce the fuelling of it. But first, in anger management therapy, we would work on how you can best manage your anger safely so that you feel better in control of it.
My personal approach is both a supportive and a pragmatic course; I will coach you to unravel your personal issues and demonstrate how to stand back; enabling you to successfully relocate your mindset to the bigger picture. Insterested? Call me now on 07775 570208.