Even if the Olympics this year are somewhat different to previous contests, we have been treated to a brilliant example of mastery in Simone Biles, the American artistic gymnast.
To summarise, this exceptionally talented athlete, hotly tipped to win gold at the Olympics, withdrew from her competition due to mental health challenges.
Alongside many other things, what Simone has demonstrated for us here is robust and healthy personal boundaries.
I really believe boundaries have superpower qualities and I admire Simone greatly for the courage she has displayed.
Boundaries equal mutually respectful relationships
We’re in relationships all the time.
Whether or not we have an intimate partner in our lives, we interact with other people all the time. From work colleagues to neighbours to friends to service providers; relationships really are all around.
Most of all, we are in a relationship with ourselves at every moment.
Relationships have the potential to be joyful aspects of our lives. They also have the potential to be harmful and suck a lot of our energy.
This is where boundaries come in.
Knowing how to set personal boundaries that honour yourself and your needs is the key to ensuring your relationships remain on the joyful side.
The good news is that healthy personal boundaries are healthy for everyone. You maintaining supportive and caring boundaries for yourself will not impact negatively on any of the people you interact with on a daily basis. I go into further detail about this below.
Listen to your body
I always share with my clients how our bodies are the largest source of information we have.
Our bodies are always sending us signals of what is right for us. And, conversely, what is wrong for us.
Being around a partner, friend, work colleague or anyone else who is experiencing a tough day and might be a little snappy is one thing. It’s another thing entirely to be around someone who consistently behaves in a way that leaves you feeling uncomfortable, anxious, disrespected and even harmed.
Explore how you feel in your interactions with people.
You can trust what your body is telling you.
What do I mean by this? Perhaps you tend to get a headache whenever you spend time with a particular person, feel tense in your shoulders or get an uncomfortable knot in your chest. Maybe your sleep isn’t as good after a conversation with them or you have a flare up of a chronic condition, say IBS or asthma.
If you often feel discomfort around how another person is treating you, then I’d encourage you to look at your boundaries and how these might come into play here.
Setting boundaries, and maintaining them, shows a healthy level of self-respect. In no small way, boundaries are an act of self-care.
Questions to help you think about boundaries
For nearly all of us, our boundaries are connected to our sense of worth. Depending on our experiences growing up, some of us may have attached our self-worth to always being helpful, or available to others or always solving problems for other people.
None of these are “wrong” per se, but as we grow we discover that these ways of being don’t always serve us. And they can become detrimental to how we allow ourselves to be treated.
When my clients and I begin working on establishing boundaries together, we envision that we are working with a “boundary muscle”. Just like biceps, triceps, and other body parts, a boundary muscle gets stronger the more we exercise it.
These questions act as prompts to help us understand what boundaries we may want to incorporate into our lives:
- What are three things you’d like people to stop doing around you? For example, using humour to point out your so-called faults, remind you of missteps etc.
- What are three things you want people to stop doing to you? For example, interrupting you while you speak, not calling you by your preferred name etc.
- What are three things you no longer want to tolerate people saying to you? For example, calling you nicknames that you don’t like.
It’s also helpful to ask questions that help you audit your current boundaries:
- Do the people in your life expect access to you all the time?
- Do you often cancel your own plans to meet someone’s else’s expectations?
- Do you always answer your phone even when you have other urgent matters to attend to?
- Do you receive praise and acknowledgement from the people in your life?
- Are you comfortable receiving praise and acknowledgement?
- How does your body feel after you spend time with each individual in your life?
It’s only natural that your boundaries will change as you grow throughout your life. Boundaries are a way of saying “I value me and want to treat myself well.”
Your growth may be uncomfortable for others
As mentioned earlier, you setting healthy boundaries for yourself will have a positive impact on your interactions with other people too.
However, initially some people in your immediate circle may be uncomfortable with your growth. They have been used to you and your old boundaries. Or maybe even you and a previously shaky set of boundaries.
This might mean that some relationships in your life naturally expire. This can cause sadness but making the right decisions for yourself is always a healthier choice.
Also, your healthy boundaries will strengthen the relationships in your life that stay. And attract new people into your life who align with you.
If you are experiencing some tension with people in your life and your boundaries, these tactics might help:
- Be consistent and believe in your new boundaries
- Maintain clarity
- Keep things as simple as possible
- Remember you don’t need to explain yourself
- Take responsibility for your actions
- Refrain from blaming others
- Understand that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions
- Monitor your body for knowledge about how you are feeling as you interact with your new boundaries
Trust in your judgement with your boundaries. Once you have exercised your boundary muscle so that it becomes a normal part of your way of being, people will respect you more. This means greater freedom for you to be as you are and a far more nourishing relationship with yourself.
Just as Simone Biles has shown us.
Please contact me if you’d like to discuss how psychotherapy might support you.